Sludge is Grosser Than Moist

I guess Life has a way of showing you that you're not in charge. 

I'm glad to have the One Day At A Time (ODAAT) routine established, because who knows what the morrow will bring, and if I look into the future right now, I'll probably crumble. The thought of surgery makes me scared. I received the phone call Wednesday morning that my gallbladder was indeed abnormal and needs to be removed. I think my gut (couldn't resist the pun here) told me all along that something was wrong. Having constant stomach pain, back pain, chills, and feeling queasy most of the the time isn't normal, but in a disconcerting way, I'm used to it. I don't remember what it feels like to eat something and not have pain. Steve told me I've been having stomach issues for years. I don't remember exactly when the pain started. 

It didn't really hit until they did the HIDA scan how much chugging an Ensure after a fast would hurt. Now, instead of scheduling more fun poetry reading gigs to promote my book, I'm scheduling  consultations with a surgeons and follow ups with doctors and nurses and figuring out the logistics so I won't be out of commission for too long. Gardening season is coming up and I don't want to be out of commission during the peak playing-in-the-flowers time. In addition, I'm having an extra test to see how this tired old liver is holding up. 

I guess this is the place in the blog where I'm supposed to be grateful and count my blessings and look for the positive moments, but tonight, I just can't. I just can't do it. Tonight I'm just going to sit with the emotions, the anger, the anxiety, the depression, the sadness, and the fear, and not Pollyanna it away with positivity. I'll be grateful and strong another day. Tonight, I can't and that's okay. Sitting with the feelings instead of avoiding them is what needs to be done. Stuffing the feels inside is what causes the gut inflammation and the sludge. (Gross, I know. Sludge just replaced moist as my least favorite word.) 

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